1 more day :(

Well now I am just mad.......I am not typing all that again.....It ate my post.....WTH......Just as bad as AOL.....Maybe just maybe I can re-type it tomorrow and let you know what went on today.Later

The End is near

Well I have 3 more days till my job is over....You know I don't understand life.....Why is it that some people are just born into money and some not....I don't want a lot of money I just want enough to take care of my family and pay my bills with a little left over to go out to eat on or something.....It makes me happy when I can go to the dollar store and buy toilet paper and shampoo....That is sad....I don't ever get to buy anything for me.....I mean I don't want nothing but it would be nice to just buy something if I see something I like....It is just enough to depress anyone....I barely make it by paying my rent....I am behind right now....It just never stops....And to beat it all off they have cut his hours at work too....I just don't know how much more a person is suppose to take....I try in every way possible to smile and be happy but I can't with all this on my shoulders......My mom and dad have helped me to the point that they have little money also....I love them and I hope they know this and when at times I am on edge and my mother calls I wish she would understand that it isn't her I am so aggravated with....It is life in general.....A friend once told me......The grass isn't always greener on the other side....Well guess what that friend was right....But you have to learn from your mistakes.....I have learnt a lot from mine....Never give up on something until the very very end......If only I would have tried harder I think sometimes....Maybe just maybe it would have changed....Or if I would have just let go when he wanted me back....But you can't change the past....How I wish I could.....But I have rattled on enough.....Thank you Debbie for the words of encouragement and Terri....You are my best friend....We don't get to see one another anymore but it don't change anything.....Till tomorrow and hopefully it is a brighter day......~Hugs~

Mixed Feelings Today

Happy Monday All....I hate Mondays...This is my last week at my job....We close for the winter and it is going to be rough trying to find a new job....Well on with my life....THe weekend went pretty good....No fighting and no drinking....But today is his day off and I am afraid that drinking is what is on his mind...I just can't handle someone that drinks like that...I love this man so much but that part of him I hate.....He may not be an everyday alcoholic but he is an alcoholic....When he starts drinking he don't know when to stop....It wouldn't be so bad if he was a normal drinker....You know drink a few and go to bed....Oh no....He drinks and stays up for days....Use to he would stay home and do it....Well now he goes to friends house in our apartment complex....Might come home at 2 or 3 in the morning...Wakes me up knowing I have to work the next day....It doesn't matter the alcohol has control and my feelings and stuff don't count......I told him this last time the drinking had to stop but I am not even sure that did any good....He is always talking that we need God in our lives to make it.....Well he is not even putting effort forth to make that happen...I can't say much because neither am I at this point....The way I see it is....I can't make my life better and still be in this situation.....I just don't know from day to day anymore...I sit and worry myself to death over this crap.....I need strength is what I need....God please give me the strength to do what needs to be done in my life......Till next time......

I don't think it will ever change

Well as I sit here this morning nothing has changed....I have let this man take over my ever thought and my life....I am not a good mother because I let this man come before anything....I don't deserve to be called Mother....Yes I feel very bad about this and I think that is the problem with my depression....I can't talk to many about this and I can't believe I am even putting it in here...I know what the right thing to do is but I just can't let go....Why is that??? Why is it so hard to let go of something you know would make your life better without it....My stupidity is what it is....I think I can change this person and there is no changing.....If I could only get strong but right now I am at my weakest point in my life....I have never felt so depressed in all my 35 yrs on this earth....What to do what to do.......One day I will say enough.

Stuck in Hell

What have I done to my life?...Who really knows....Why is so hard to love someone in this world?....I am at my end...I don't know how to let go of this....I wish somehow I could go back in time and fix everything....I know things wouldn't be perfect but I do know I wouldn't be crying 24/7.....I am tired and weak....Weak from all the pain the person that is suppose to love me causes me....Why is it that he can't see what he does to me....I am depressed and you know this but yet you want to make me cry about something else.....I don't understand life and pretty much I am tired of living it.....I sit and pray to God to take me away from this life....But then I have 2 kids to think about.....They would be so much better off without me here....Everyone would really....I wouldn't be a burden on my parents anymore....I am running them in the ground with always needing something....Why can I not just fade away?...In time people would forget about me.....Really they would.....Time heals all....Sometimes I just sit and think.....Is there really a God.....If so then why me....Why is that I have the crappy life I have.....Is it because I want to love and be loved.......I don't know....I wish someone could answer all this for me....I wish I could go back and be a kid again....Let someone take care of me.....Seems I am not strong enough to take care of myself let along my kids......So see they would be much better off if I faded away....I can't seem to get anywhere with this man...When I think I am something stupid comes up and it all just goes to shit....I need help....I need help so bad....I wish I knew how to get the help I need to break away from this life....I want him in my life but I want him there to make me laugh and smile.....Not cry all the time....How can he do this to me....How can he say he loves me with all his heart and soul.....I don't understand.....Can anyone out there help me to understand.